1.12 Catherine
11:32 AM | Posted by
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The clinking sounds of silverware fill the silence just nicely. I look up from my dinner to see William intensely focusing on his meal. Sensing my gaze, he meets my eyes.
“How was town?” Smalltalk was never his specialty but I appreciate the effort.
“We never made it. Elpis had other ideas,” I launch into the story of our adventures and how my days seem to be formed around the needs of this beast. “She is still holding back. I can feel it. But in a way I am glad because what we did today was enough to almost scare me.” William smiles as I say almost. I know he is remembering a certain childhood incident that prevented me from going near any horse for many years. But that was a long time ago.
The silence fills the room again. I stare at the squares of meat on my plate to discover that I have only been pushing them around with my fork. I look up at William to see him still looking at me.
“And so,” I begin, “What have you heard about Jack?”
William clears his throat and puts is fork down carefully. “The doctors are hopeful. It would seem that this experimental treatment is working. For him, at least.”
“Well that’s great news…!” I feel a rush of happiness surge up through me.
“Catherine,” William stops me. “You must understand the… situation. This treatment has not been a complete success for anyone yet. And you know the circumstances. With his condition suddenly changing, we couldn’t wait for more testing…”
It is unlike William to not finish his sentences. But I understand what he means by circumstances and he is not just referring to Jack.
Seeing my expression of hope fade, he continues. “However all patients had their lives extended by many months, thanks to this treatment.”
Months. That was supposed to make me feel better.
I let out a long sigh and look down at my plate again. My mind wanders to Jack and our parents and all the suffering. William’s words bring me back to the present.
“You are not the only one who has made sacrifices, Catherine.” Perhaps his words came out sharper than he initially intended, but the result was obviously was he was looking for.
I feel a flush of heat rise up my face and settle in my cheeks. I find it hard to meet his eyes, but do anyway. It is like I see him without my filters of self-pity, for the first time in ages. He looks tired, and much older than his years.
My husband. The thought rises up and I feel a wave of compassion pour out of my heart.
“I understand.” I meet his eyes evenly now. He nods and goes back to his dinner. I am amazed that those two words are enough for him. But I guess I am amazed that I am enough for him. “I want you to know that I appreciate all that you are doing for Jack.” He knows this. But right now I feel like it is important that I say the words. He hears me but makes no gesture in acknowledgement.
We continue with our dinner. And I know what the night will bring. I know I am not able to give him what he wants from me, but he seems to find my shell of a person enough. Or if he doesn’t, he will never say.
That’s why I am surprised when he whispers to me, late that night, words that should comfort me. But instead they bring back the familiar pressure in my chest. “I can wait Catherine. After all, we have our whole lives to learn to love each other.”
